guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We are two peas in an std pod
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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