my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
