Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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