I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
