Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
