It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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