I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
