We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
