Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
