I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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