I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
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