I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
