The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
