Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
