I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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