Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
