Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
