I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
