I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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