My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
