Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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