awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
