I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
