Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
