I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
