I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
