as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
