i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
