My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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