i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
