There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
