You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
