I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize