Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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