You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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