I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
