I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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