Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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