Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
