neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
