I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
