Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
