Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
