im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I'm passing your future prison.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
