all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
