mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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