Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
