Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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