I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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