I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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