The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
