If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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