Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
