I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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