My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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